I am completely thrilled to be home with Cooper. It is something I have prayed for, longed for, and feel more fulfilled than ever doing this job. However, it has come with adjustments.
Sometimes I long for some adult conversation in the middle of the day.
Sometimes I just need a break.
When I taught I got a break every night and every weekend from the kids.
As a stay at home mom, there are no breaks.
We're together in the morning, all day long, at night, on weekends, holidays and everything in between.
In FL we were able to be kid free for the whole weekend if we wanted (thanks mom and dad!) but we're without family here.
So, there have been adjustments.
I've been trying my best to find a healthy balance.
Me time.
God time.
Andrew time.
Cooper time.
Housekeeping time.
A lot of things that all have to share some time.
So, I've made a "schedule" of sorts. I've made a housekeeping schedule. I have one thing to do each day, plus one load of laundry. It doesn't leave me as overwhelmed, keeps me on track, and helps my mind.
I set my alarm for 6:00 am, make some coffee, do my devotions, spend some time in silence, and sometimes get started on the days chores, or breakfast.
Some days I completely fail at housework, being "un"lazy, and getting up early.
The two things left on the list: Andrew and Cooper. The two most important people in my life.
I try my best do some things for Andrew throughout the day like running errands for him, planning fun days with/for him, planning meals with him in mind. We get time together each night after Cooper is in bed. And I've been trying to put the computer down, and just "be" with him.
Sometimes I completely fail at being a wife.
Then there's my precious Cooper. My crazy Cooper. My makes me wanna pull the hair out of my hair little boy. Giving him attention is not hard. He often demands it. Meals, snacks, drinks, diaper changes, helping him play. But how often is that attention intentional? I often ask myself throughout the day "Have you made a memory with Cooper today?" Because often while he demands my attention I'm occupied with something else, and am quick to go back to that thing instead of spending some more time with him.
Sometimes I completely fail at being a mom.
At the end of most days, I wanna pull my hair out from exhaustion, and failed attempts. But they're attempts. And I'm trying. Trying my best to be the person God wants me to be.
At the end of today, I'm tired. But snuggled up next to me is a sweet boy watching Curious George. A boy who often gives me hugs, kisses, and love. Just his presence next to me tonight gives me hope that I can keep going. That tomorrow I can get up and try to do better than I did today.
"So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!"
- Psalm 31:23-24-
"We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield."
- Psalm 33:19-21-
Putting my hope in the Lord.
Tired as I am, he will strengthen me tonight for tomorrow's work.
I completely get what you're saying. I have felt all of it and still do. I'm actually 2 1/2 weeks into a temp job that ends in December and it won't end soon enough. I really thought I might be ready to go back to work but I hate it. I hate it more than the loneliness and tediousness that staying home can bring.
ReplyDeleteStill, it's hard to find the balance where you can feel like yourself and a woman and a wife without feeling, like you said, that you leave your family for last.
I'm glad someone understands!