In high school I conveniently lived next to the best place to get away, be alone, and have time to reflect: the beach. Thanks for moving us a short distance to the beach, mom & dad! I would go to the beach often by myself. I loved watching the sunsets, the birds, the people. I loved the sound of the waves. I loved the feel of the sand beneath my feet. It was my place of retreat, where I went when I needed to reflect and have some quiet time with just me and God.
Time changes things. Because now when I want to go be by myself, I have a husband and a son to consider first. So, my times of solitude are few and far between now. It is my dream that one evening Andrew will come and say, "hey, why don't you just head to target for the next 4 hours and have a blast." Because Target has been my retreat for the past several years. I could go there and just wander up and down the isles for hours. It's not the same with a toddler in tow, who asks to go to the bathroom just when you find an excellent clearance rack. Target is also not the best place to retreat when you are living on a tight budget. Living in Ohio has me 30 minutes from the nearest Target. So, I go maybe once a month. (We went tonight, and I actually said to Andrew, "it's weird coming to target and having everything different. Before, when we lived in Fl, I would be in here every other day and knew every item that was in the store. Now, because we come so infrequently, things are completely different every time I come here.")
Hi, I'm Chandra, and I'm addicted to Target.
I have completely diverted from my story.
The past few weeks I have had no time to myself. The last time I have gone somewhere by myself was probably in May. Go look at your calendar. That was two months ago. And the moments I've had to myself since then are pretty much when I'm in the bathroom. And even then I have a two year old coming in and making lots of noise. I now know why my father always said, "I just want to pee and poop in peace." Sorry, dad. I totally get it now.
My moments of "always with someone else" came to a head yesterday. Every little thing Cooper did drove me crazy. His disobedience was magnified in my mind. I was on edge. I was almost in tears when I told Andrew, "I need a break. I need some time to myself. I know you are busy, but there is no way I can be the mom Cooper needs or the wife you need if I don't have time to myself this weekend."
Since the beach is a very long way away, and since Target was not in my time frame this morning, I had to do something different. I grabbed a blanket, my bible, my journal, a pen, some water, and I walked until I found what I thought could be my new spot for retreating. I walked by a couple of spots until I found this perfect spot. Enough away from the road where I heard no cars. Right under a tree. Overlooking a beautiful fairway of a golf course.
On my way to this spot I heard birds chirping in the silence of the morning. I saw wildflowers and kittens. I felt the cool morning air. I sat down I started contemplating these things and began journaling my praise to God for his awesome creation.
As I'm in the middle of my praises, from the fairway I hear a loud, "Oh, shit!"
While I was praising away, the golfers were starting to make their way down the fairway. Apparently one of them had a bad shot, I guess.
I laughed. A lot.
So much for my place of "solitude". There were many a golfer this morning. And there were many ants. But it was a retreat for me. I had a full hour, just me and God, and I came away refreshed.
As I look back at this post, all I can think is, "whoa, baby...I shouldn't write late at night anymore...so many jumbled thoughts."
Good night.
Sometimes the jumbled thoughts make it seem, more like you're really HERE talking to me and getting off track though. :) I do it ALL. THE. TIME. Miss you. Love you.
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