Seven Things. Part 3.

Seven things I've learned since being married.

It's not about me.
One time our pastor here at NewPointe said, "Marriage is God's way of knocking the selfishness out of you." I laughed out loud in agreement. I have said "Amen. Amen. Amen" over and over again at the thought of that statement. There's nothing like choosing to love someone else the rest of your life to help you learn how to be unselfish. I didn't have to choose my family. I didn't have to choose my child. I do choose Andrew. Every day. And choosing Andrew has helped me learn that servanthood is better than getting my desires met. I've learned that many of the times I am upset it stems from me being selfish and wanting things my way. In order to have a healthy marriage, I've had to put myself aside.

Communication gives life - when done the right way.
Disagreements are inevitable. Arguing is going to happen. If someone who is married tells you otherwise, they are hiding the truth. I am the type of person who withdraws in arguments. When I'm upset or when I disagree, I'm like a turtle retreating into it's shell. It has taken me all of these seven years to finally figure out that I need to speak up. Thankfully, I have a spouse who allows me to say what I am thinking and feeling. Not only allows it, has encouraged it. If I am honest and communicate things right away, a lot of hard feelings and bigger disagreements are avoided. Here's the deal: I have to communicate in a loving way. A way that's not yelling, not condescending, not rude. I have to communicate what I feel in love.

"I'm sorry" goes a long way. Need I say more on that point? Apologize. Show your kids how to solve problems. Show your kids (or anyone else who's watching) how to love others who aren't perfect. Apologize. Accept the apology. Then let it go and move on.

Find out your spouse's love language - then communicate in that way. Andrew's love language is words of affirmation. I have to affirm him verbally or with written words as often as I can. Mine is acts of service. When Andrew communicates his love for me through an act of service...be still my heart. If your spouse's love language is touch - extend a hand, pat them on the back every time you walk by them. If it's gifts - surprise them as often as you can. Put thought into gift giving occasions. If it's quality time - this means quality, not quantity. Sometimes it might not be enough to be watching tv together. Sometimes it's important to turn off the tv and talk. You get the drift. Communicate in the proper love language. When you do it will be beautiful.

There is one other vital part of communication that has nothing to do with what you say or how you say it. It's being able to handle what the other person says, and extending grace when necessary. You aren't perfect. And you didn't marry perfect. Neither one of you is going to get it right all the time. If your spouse tells you something that you don't like to hear - don't go off the deep end. Take in what they say. Evaluate it. Is this an opportunity for you to grow? And if they yell - instead of yelling back, talk calmly. Or tell them to take 5 and then continue the conversation when they (or you) have calmed down. It's important that when the words are yelled, or are hurtful, that you can take them in and extend grace.

It's fun.
It's so fun to be married. We get to do fun things together. We get to have someone to talk to, laugh with, watch shows and movies with, play games with...all the time. It helps when you have a mate like Andrew. He keeps our nights pretty entertaining.

It's hard work.
Kind of ironic considering the previous point. This will be one of the longest relationships I have. Not only that, it will be one of the most impacting. Our marriage impacts the two of us, but also Cooper, his future wife, their children, and their children's children. That's a lot of generations to set an example for. Not only them...but the kids we have ministered to in youth ministry as well as adult leaders. Add on top of that our friends, co-workers, small group members...they've all been impacted in some way by our marriage as well. The question we have to ask ourself is whether or not we want our impact to be a bad, good, or great one.

Andrew and I want our impact on everyone we come in contact with, our impact for Cooper, and our impact for each other to be positive. That requires work. Hard work. There are some days I wanna throw in the towel. There are some days I just wanna be a young college girl again. There are some days it's hard to love him. I have to go against those wants. I have to work every day to keep our marriage healthy, thriving, and fun. And when one day is conquered, the next day is there waiting to be conquered as well.

Working hard at marriage is unlike anything else I've experienced. It's draining, confusing, and heart-wrenching at times. But it is a hard work that really pays off. The work you put into it will have its rewards.



Together is better.
There are so many ups and downs in life. In our time together we have been through deaths in our families, near deaths in our families, unemployment, financial trouble, moving, crazy taxes, car trouble, health scares, parenting woes, exhaustion, and relational conflict. We have also been through times of health, financial stability, secure jobs, rest and vacations, reliable cars, wonderful homes, relational highs, and parenting joys. I am so glad I've had someone by my side through all of it. Together through theses times is way better than apart. I'm so glad I have a friend, confidant, and lover, through all the ups and downs of my life.

Jesus loves me most.

Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Marriage has also helped tell me so.

God uses marriage in scripture to teach us about his love for us. The church is the Bride, and Jesus is the Bridegroom. In Revelation we see a wedding of the Lamb, and his bride, the church is ready in white.

Marriage is a window into how Jesus loves us. How he chooses us and loves us perfectly every day. Andrew isn't perfect. Neither am I. Therefore, we run into some trouble. We argue. We let each other down. But, Jesus never has.

Jesus loves me more than Andrew. I have to remind myself of that over and over again. It also helps me to remember that Jesus loves Andrew more than I do as well. HIS love is perfect and unfailing.

Marriage doesn't fulfill me.

This is one of my all time favorite pictures of us. I wish it weren't taken on a camera phone so it wouldn't be so blurry.

I always thought when I got marriage everything would be "complete". My hearts biggest desire fulfilled and I could move on in life. Only once I got married I realized marriage wasn't there to fulfill me. And it can't fulfill me. There's only once source that I can gain complete fulfillment. And that's Jesus. Only he can complete me, make me whole.

When I leave it up to Andrew and our marriage to complete me, I complicate our marriage. I'm giving Andrew a task that he absolutely cannot be successful in. It has taken me a lot longer than I'd like to admit to realize this. If only I had let go of those expectations a long time ago. If only I had run to Jesus more for my desires instead of running to Andrew for my desires.

Andrew, Thanks for being the person I have learned these things alongside of. I'm glad we've learned to extend grace and forgiveness. I'm glad that we've gone through life together. I'm glad we have fun together. I'm glad you're the one by my side. I love you.