Somehow you move on, you pick up, you keep moving forward. And then, out of nowhere, you grieve some more. Maybe it's a song you hear, a smell you are overcome by, or a special moment remembered, you are reminded of what you no longer have. Grieving sometimes comes at very unexpected moments.
I had an unexpected moment of grieving recently.
I had a month to prepare for the loss I'm talking about. The beginning of August we accepted a job in Ohio, giving me a month to say goodbye to the life I knew and start afresh in a new place. A month to pack my house, arrange it for renters, care for my 18 month old son (by myself cause A was already gone), spend as much time as I could with people, and hey, since I'm apparently not always the brightest...let's have a yard sale in there, too!
As I look back on that month I had to prepare myself to say goodbye, a lot of it is a blur. My last days there, I remember crying as I left Bibi, and rushing to see Christy just one more time, wanting one more of her hugs and the encouragement she always provided. I remember tearing up as I said goodbye to my trusted airport taxi driver, Christie. And that's it. That's the most emotional I got. I knew I'd see family again. And I was so excited to be moving on to the next part of our life. After having spent six months in limbo land of "we have no idea what's next for us", I was sooo to be getting on with life...excited for Andrew's new job, to stay at home with Cooper, excited to meet new people.
I rode that excitement wave, not grieving, for oh.... eight months.
Yep, you read that right, eight months.
In April we traveled to Nashville and Louisville, and upon returning from our trip, I finally grieved. I grieved the loss of my Florida family and friends. I can't quite pin-point the reason, but it's like it finally hit me. We were't going back to Florida. I wasn't going to get my mom's cooking, my dad's hugs, my brother's company, or the sheer joy of my friends' presence. I was going back to Ohio, where my family is far away, and where I don't yet have "my person".
So, what's a girl like me to do when I finally went through the process of grieving a big move?
I fell into a funk.
I wore pjs the majority of some weeks.
I was completely unmotivated to do anything...housework, cooking, playing.
Ate ice cream, ice cream, and more ice cream.
I'm sure I was not very fun to be around.
Sorry, dear.
I fell into a funk.
I wore pjs the majority of some weeks.
I was completely unmotivated to do anything...housework, cooking, playing.
Ate ice cream, ice cream, and more ice cream.
I'm sure I was not very fun to be around.
Sorry, dear.
When I finally realized why I was feeling so not myself, I started trying to do simple things to help. Like putting up new scripture on my scripture board. Getting out of the house more. Hiring a babysitter. Started to serve at church. Praying. As soon as I would pray about it, I felt better knowing God loves me, will never leave me, and that even when everything around me changes, he never will.
I also started looking around, and seeing blessings. Here are some simple ones...experiencing the seasons, knowing what goes on during Cooper's day, new friendships, and lots of growth. One night as we were drifting off to sleep, Andrew said, "I'm glad you are home with Cooper. I think he is better off with you home." From him not being OK with me staying home, to uttering that...that's the biggest blessing.
My family is not here, but God is teaching me that friends can be family, too. I may not have "my person" yet, but that will come. Andrew and I still don't know what's next in our life. But we do know that we are content, blessed, and full of joy being where we are now. And I have a feeling that if the day ever comes for us to leave this place, there will be lots of grieving.
And I'll probably need a lot more ice cream.
Thanks for sticking with me as I wrote all this down. You are awesome for making it through all that craziness.
Chandra, thanks for posting your thoughts. I'm in the process of grieving now, some things different, but some the same as what you've experienced, so I can really relate. Most difficult for me right now is the loss of a romantic relationship and maybe even our friendship. In addition to this heartache, I grieved over my home when I left almost a year ago, but now that I am moving back, I'm grieving this place (Japan) and the people I will leave behind here. Moving on and moving forward usually that something or someone gets left behind. And in the midst of it, when we can't see what's ahead, it just sucks. Women too are relational to the core, so I think it hurts the most to leave our relationships or friendships. There's really no cure for this kind of grief. It takes different amounts of time for different people to heal, but I think it's like a rock in your pocket, where sometimes it goes unnoticed, but it's inevitably always there. Even though some days are better than others, I'm not out of the woods yet, as I doubt you are completely either, because there may yet be moments when waves of grief hit (when you have a sweet memory for example). BUT, I think it is true that if we focus on our current circumstances and blessings, and try to be grateful, then we are on our way to experiencing joy and contentment again. When we cry out to God and share our grief with Him, He does draw near and ultimately provides the things He knows our hearts need to be full (I'm already seeing Him do this). I have no doubt He'll do the same for you, and I know that eventually you will find your "person." In His time, the right person, the right people will cross your paths and will increase the fullness of your lives in Ohio, I have no doubt. Keep praying, keep writing, and sharing all. Wishing you all the best at this place in your life.
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